"Surviving and Thriving: Strategies for Coping with a Difficult Boss"
Article read: 10 minutes.
The top reasons people will come to therapy is to work on boundaries. Now, boundaries are not always about a significant other or dependents. With no exception it is usually a boss or supervisor. It's important to note that I’m not in your workplace, and every workplace dynamic is different. For example, if you're a new employee, some of the concepts discussed here may be more challenging to implement and will require adjustment, as explained in the article below.
What is a difficult boss?
Now a difficult boss can be hard to define as it is highly subjective. In this article we aren’t referring to a difference in personalities or beliefs. Some examples of a difficult boss would be words like micromanaging, dismissive, rigid, indecisive, or passive-aggressive.
Many employees struggle with knowing when it’s appropriate to speak up. They often have mixed feelings, asking themselves, "Am I being selfish?" or "Do I have a right to complain?"
II. Understanding the Difficult Behavior
Many of the terms used to describe a difficult boss are easy to define. Below are some common examples of difficult boss behaviors:
Aggressive or Confrontational Boss: This type of boss lacks emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Everything seems to be "on fire" all the time.
Micromanagers: A micromanager is someone who gives no autonomy, even in situations where independence would be considered normal for the role.
Indecisive or Inconsistent Boss: This is when a manager frequently pivots or “backpedals” on decisions, leading to confusion and frustration.
Passive-Aggressive Boss: This behavior involves managers using indirect tactics to go around you or invalidate your contributions within the team.
If your supervisor or manager exhibits these behaviors, what should you do?
Step 1: Identify and define the emotion or behavior you're experiencing. Understanding this is crucial for figuring out the best way to handle the interaction.
Step 2: Assess your work culture and understand your role in these reactions. If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, I recommend researching locus of control, which explains how people attribute outcomes to either internal or external factors.
Step 3: Speak up with professional etiquette. Avoid staying silent and hoping the situation will improve on its own—it’s unlikely to get better. We’ll explore how to communicate effectively in the next section.
III. Communication Strategies
In effective communication there are a handful of good rules to use.
Practice what you’re going to say before you speak or write it down beforehand.
Focus on using assertive language that reflects the team values. Use things like I statements and engage in a professional manner.
Be clear and concise with what you need from your manager.
Avoid over-promising. Don’t make promises you can't keep or raise concerns that could unnecessarily alarm others.
Summarize and paraphrase the topics or main parts. For my clients with ADD/ADHD or struggle with neurospiceness (see neuro-diversity) this may be an important part of defining goals and tasks.
Once you’ve done the above, let your employer or supervisor know what you need to succeed in your role. For instance, if you're asked to take on additional responsibilities, be clear about the resources required to meet these new expectations. This could include training, materials, extended deadlines, or help from coworkers or supervisors. The key point is not to stay silent and risk burnout or being overwhelmed.
If you haven’t received a resolution to an issue you’ve raised, continue following up until you get an answer. For example, if a coworker or supervisor has not responded to your request for a critical tool or memo, ask regularly, “When can I expect that memo?” until you get the necessary result.
V. Setting Boundaries
This step tends to be the most difficult for my clients. It is due to the power differential of employee and employer. The thing to remember is it is a mutual agreement to work at this particular jobsite, store, office or medical facility. If the agreements aren’t mutual or being upheld, then it is a one-sided conversation and must be rectified. To have good workers there must be good agreements in place of contracts/unions etc.
The second most important reason for boundaries is burn-out prevention. Burnout can be defined as a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, detached, cynical, and apathetic. Without setting proper boundaries you can cause damage to yourself or team if you work in areas like construction, criminal justice, education, healthcare, mental health, social services. When you experience burnout, you can cause depression in a matter of weeks not months.
When you set boundaries, you are making a conscious decision to put yourself first. By setting boundaries you give yourself the time needed to rest and recharge. Setting boundaries also helps you prioritize your well-being.
When setting boundaries there needs to be a few key points to consider.
With the previous sections in mind, you need to define what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. For example, if your boss yells at you on the floor in front of other fellow employees to redirect or walk away. Remember to stay calm and use objective statements. Some examples of client’s words are “I don’t do disrespect”, or “I am going to come back when you’re ready to have a productive conversation”. Be professional and also assertively. These may seem a little artificial but do your best to tailor these with the above in mind.
The last thing to keep in mind and one of the hardest things to do is to say no. No is a complete sentence and if you choose a soft no or a formal no it is best to do it calmly, collectively and without over explanation. What my clients who overthink and deal with anxiety tend to do. Professionally but assertively articulate your limits regarding work hours, communication preferences, and workload. While it is important to be flexible and show a willingness to go the extra mile, when necessary, consistently reinforcing your boundaries will help establish mutual respect and prevent burnout.
By setting boundaries, you give yourself the necessary time to rest and recharge. Boundaries help you prioritize your well-being and make a conscious decision to put yourself first.
VII. Focusing on Personal Well-being
This is not a replacement for the above but will help you deal with a busy season or having to pick up overtime or even work a second job for a short period of time. This will include things like:
Stress Management Techniques
Mindfulness and relaxation exercises
Self-care and exercise
Family time, friends and community time.
VI. Seeking Support
Know when to escalate to another manager, HR or the union.
Collaborate with your team or coworkers. Note that this is not for gossiping or bad-mouthing a boss, but rather for seeking advice on how to handle a difficult supervisor or manager.
VIII. Knowing When to Move On
Once all other options have been exhausted, it may be necessary to develop an "escape plan." Here’s how to approach this:
Recognize Toxic Environments:
The first step is to identify when the work environment is truly toxic. Pay attention to signs like consistent stress, lack of support, and unhealthy behavior patterns that cannot be addressed through normal communication.
Consider a Transfer Within the Company:
If possible, explore the option of transferring to a different department or location within the company.
Speak with HR or Your Union:
If your company’s HR department is worker-friendly, or if you’re part of a union, discuss your concerns with them. Alternatively, you can speak with a department head about a potential solution.
Evaluate Career Options:
If staying within the company isn’t feasible, consider your career options. It may be time to look for a new job, but remember that this may require severance, unemployment benefits, or a side-gig becoming your main income. It's okay to take a more uncertain path, but ensure you have the financial stability to make the transition—even if it’s not ideal.
IX. Conclusion
Dealing with a difficult boss can be challenging, but with the right strategies, it is manageable. Start by understanding your boss's behavior and reflecting on your own responses and what you can control. Continue to practice effective communication and active listening to help improve your relationship with them.
Setting clear boundaries and documenting interactions will empower you while maintaining professionalism. Don’t hesitate to seek support from HR, your union, your supervisor, or trusted colleagues for guidance—just avoid gossiping or sharing rumors about coworkers with your boss.
Prioritize your mental health by using stress management techniques and consider professional development opportunities to enhance your resilience.
If the situation doesn’t improve, knowing when to explore new opportunities is vital. By applying these strategies, you can create a more harmonious work environment and foster career growth.